Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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