Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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