Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
