i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
