So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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