How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize