There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
