a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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