I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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