1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
