im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
