I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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