I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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