meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
