I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
