Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The beer is more important than you right now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
