Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
