Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
