you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
