My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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