you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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