if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
