I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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