Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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