when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
