I smell stomach acid.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
