Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
