I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
