its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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