Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
