There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My pussy is not your playground.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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