She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
