Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The maid of honor just puked.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
