Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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