it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
