I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
