i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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