I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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