i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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