he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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