Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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