My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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