nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We just shotgunned beers for America
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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