Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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