there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
