something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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