im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
