she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
