Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
