In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
