My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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