He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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