these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
