She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
