Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
