last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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