i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
