It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
