I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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