Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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