i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize